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Top 10 Best Doctor Jokes

#10

 

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "You have to help me," she cried. "I hurt all over!"

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "try to be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts," she bellowed, bursting into tears.

The doctor checked her thoroughly and announced his diagnosis: "You have a broken finger."

 
#9
 

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse who became pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and instructed her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

"Just send me a postcard," he replied, "and write spaghetti on the back. I'll take care of all the expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months later, the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Honey, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I'll explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home and, after reading the postcard, dropped to the floor clutching his chest. Paramedics rushed him to the emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest, and the doctor's wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti -- two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

 
#8
 

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

"Give me the good news," said the patient.

"They're going to name a disease after you."

 
#7
 

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?

That depends on whether the light bulb has health insurance!

 
#6
 

You might be a E.R. doctor if ...

Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
You say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers.
You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there!"
Your immune system attacks a dog crossing your front lawn.

 
#5
 

A seven-year-old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor today."

"Oh, dear," the mother sighed nervously. "Tell me exactly what happened, darling."

"Oh, not much. He made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

 
#4
 

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

 
#3
 

A man comes to the doctor desperate for relief from chronic migraine headaches. When the doctor takes a look at his medical history, he discovers that his poor patient has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the doctor. "I have migranes, too ... and I'm going to give you some personal advice. There are no clinical studies to back this up, but this is what I do for my own migraines, and it works for me. When I feel a migraine coming on, I go home, take a nice hot bath and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand ... especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex ... and this almost always cures my headache. Give it a try and come back in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a huge grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."

 
#2
 

An elderly woman walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says "Well, we have three options. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years."

The old lady says "Well tell me about the various procedures."

The doctor says, "For $1000 I can take a few years off and smooth out your wrinkles, but you'll need to have the procedure repeated year."

"Forget that one," she says. "What about the other options?"

"For $3000," the surgeon explains, "I can do a much better job. I can take twenty years off your face, but you'll still need a touch up every three years or so."

"No, that's no good either," the woman complains. "What about the last option?"

"For $5000," the doctor replies, "you are going to get the best facelift modern medicine has to offer, with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery technology. I'll attach a screw to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, you can come back in and I'll tighten the screw."

The old lady is delighted and has the surgery, but about 6 months later she returns to the office very upset. "Doctor, I want my money back!" she cries. "I look horrible! Look at these bags under my eyes!"

The doctor leans back in his chair and says, "Lady, you aren't getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep messing with that screw, you're going to have a mustache."

 
#1
 

A man complains to his friend "My elbow hurts -- I'd better go to the doctor."

"Don't do that," his friend volunteers. "There's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, and the computer will give you your diagnosis and a plan of treatment."

The man figures he has nothing to lose, so he goes down to the drug store. Finding the machine, he pours in the urine and deposits $10. The machine begins to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper pops out which reads:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.

That evening, after some contemplation, the man begins to suspect fraud and decides to test the machine. He mixes together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbates into the jar.

He takes this concoction down to the drug store, pours it into the machine, and deposits $10. The machine goes through the same process, buzzing and flashing before finally printing out the following message:

Your tap water has lead.
Get a filter.
Your dog has worms.
Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs.
Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant.
It's not your baby -- get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

 
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