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#10

 

Look at the people who are kind of the funniest cultures, they're the cultures of the people who have been the most oppressed, black people and Jews. Not that they're the only funny people, but culturally, it comes from the pain, you know?
 
#9
 

Some people need Hell. If you’re the type of guy who sees a hooker in an alleyway and instinctively thinks, “Hey, now there’s something I could rape and kill without any consequences,” then the concept of Hell might really keep you out of trouble.

 
#8
 

I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.

 
#7
 

The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.

 
#6
 

I wear this saint Christopher medal sometimes because I'm Jewish but my boyfriend is Catholic and it was just cute the way he gave it to me, you know. He said if it doesnt burn through my skin it will protect me. Who cares? Different religions. I guess the only time it's an issue I suppose would be if you're having a baby, you have to figure out how you want to raise your baby or whatever, which still would not be an issue for us. Because you know, we'd just be honest, and say "Mommy is one of the chosen people, and Daddy believes that Jesus is magic."

 
#5
 

Unvisited tombstones, unread diaries, and erased video game high-score rankings are three of the most potent symbols of mankind's pathetic and fruitless attempts at immortality.

 
#4
 

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

 
#3
 

I graduated from High School and they got the big drug slogan, 'Just say no', Nancy Reagan wrote it, a brilliant mind of our time. It doesn't work, I think it's really lame. If we're going to have a big anti drug slogan I think it should be some thing much cooler. Like uh, 'Just say... I'm good for now'. That would work. 'I'm all set, thank you'. That's another good one. Much cooler.

 
#2
 

Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.

 
#1
 

When God gives you AIDS -- and God does give you AIDS, by the way -- make lemonAIDS.

 
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